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Code of conduct 11/24/10

Claire Martens shares some tips on what to do when encountering a vegetarian.


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What to do when confronted with that rare species: the vegetarian

  1. Please don’t say “vegan” or “vegetarian” in a way that makes it seem like you are eating brussel sprouts. Chances are, we don’t like them either.
  2. I know that by just being ourselves, it may seem like we think you’re a bad person for eating meat. But I promise, we are also trying to find your good qualities and, if you want to be friends, we will feed you tasty delights and hopefully help you realise that meat is not a necessary day-to-day staple. You will also come to realise how cheap we are to feed.
  3. Please don’t make it seem that our presence at your dinner table is such an imposition. Just feed us more dessert and we will forgive you for cooking the vegetables with the chicken. Then we will go home and eat carrots by ourselves.
  4. If all you have for us is cheese and tomato on toast, we probably wouldn’t complain. But why not spice it up a bit? Add some mixed herbs, some caramelised onions, mayonnaise (egg-free to be safe) and sweet chilli sauce –  and maybe even a salad on the side.
  5. Don’t be a hater. We are sensitive creatures. If you wish to engage us in debate, just because you can’t find anything else to say to us once you find out we have nothing in common, then try to keep to the topic and not make it a personal vendetta.
  6. I think its time that braai-masters of the world learn what it takes to braai the perfect Fry’s vegetarian schnitzel.
  7. I know that we are just as confused about what we eat and don’t eat as you are. There are all those pesky definitions and disconcerting words like “Lacto” and “Ovo”. When in doubt, feed us vegetables; preferably steamed, no butter. Oh, and try to make them taste nice. Thanks.
  8. We realise that beef chips do not actually contain beef and we can still eat them without compromising ourselves. The truth is, this is not a matter of principle, but I matter of taste. Beef chips are just gross. Bring on the cream cheese and chives.
  9. Don’t think that by waving meat in my face you’re suddenly going to touch on some carnivorous nerve and I won’t be able to resist the meaty deliciousness. In return, I won’t wave my brussel sprouts in your face either.
  10. And just so you get one thing straight, we are not bunny huggers. In fact, those little critters are invasive alien species and we would never condone allowing them free reign of our beautiful country, like they did in Australia. They take over and eat all the green stuff. What will be left for us to eat?
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3 Responses to this article

 
Aurora November 24, 2010 Reply

Yay.

But I don’t eat some chips because of some E number that comes from animals. But only sometimes, when I’m feeling like being a fussy vegetarian. Because the evil chemical is in a lot of chip flavours. Mrs Balls. Even some of the cheese ones. For real. So normally I just forget I know about it.

I forget the number because in India everything that is vegetarian is just labelled with a green dot, and the ingredients are like “herbs, onions, potatoes”. It is great here.

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Roline November 25, 2010 Reply

Number 9 is totally a winner. Every veggie I know has had a bit of a moan because of some insensitive twit! But I must say, number 10 comes as a total shock! Me, I love a bunny. They are cute and fluffy and hop around wagging their cute bunny tail. Sometimes I find myself screaming like a banshee running around trying to catch one just so I can squeeze ’em and love ’em and hug em! Last week, I saw one on the beach, burrowing and furrowing and looking all cute. True story. No jokes. I almost wet myself with excitement. In fact, so big is my love for the creatures, I’d like to start a club, “Bunny Huggers Unite.” Then I too have people to call ‘comrades’. Who’s with me?!

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Claire November 25, 2010 Reply

@ roline: I love bunnie too. I had three while at varsity – Bunny, Pinky and Pumpkin. Bunnies are great as long as they are sterilised 😉 But thats the same for every pet…

I will be a comrade, as long as boys are separated from girls!

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